Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
