i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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