If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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