dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
