I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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