My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
