if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize