remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
