I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
