I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
