My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
there's paper in my vomit.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
