Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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