I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
