I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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