new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You are the jesus of drinking
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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