First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
