she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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