only you would photoshop your dick
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
