Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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