If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
