I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
