i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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