the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
