Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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