i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you had me at cake vodka
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
