I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Farmville is her only friend.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
