Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize