i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
