Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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