It's like God shit irony all over that family
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
