I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
