Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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