I think my fart just growled at me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
