we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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