I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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