FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
