You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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