my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Congratulations! We have a period
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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