I think I died a long time ago.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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