Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
