I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
