need another drink. this is the easiest way
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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