I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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