it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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