Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i will never coherently bang her
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
