Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
