You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
