I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We're too hungover to prance.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
