Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
