just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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