either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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