so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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