I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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