I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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