Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
