Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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