wakey wakey hands off snakey
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
