I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
