why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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