woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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