I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
