Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
