He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
FUCK WHALES
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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