So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
